What's Your Damage, Heather?

SCRIPT

Playing croquet at Veronica Sawyer's house. Heather McNamara misses shot.
Heather McNamara:
Damn. It's your turn Heather.
Heather Chandler:
No Heather, it's Heather's turn. Heather -
Heather Duke:
Sorry Heather.
Heather Duke takes shot. Heather Chandler kisses red ball, which hits Veronica Sawyer, buried up to her neck, on head.
Veronica Sawyer:
Dear Diary.
Outside Cafeteria. Heather told me she teaches people real life. She said, "Real life sucks losers dry. If you want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly." I said, "So you teach people how to spread their wings and fly?" She said, "Yes." I said, "You're beautiful!"
Heather McNamara:
God, come on Veronica.
Veronica Sawyer:
What is your damage, Heather?
Heather McNamara:
Don't blame me, blame Heather. She told me to haul your ass into the caf, pronto. Back me up, Heather.
Heather Duke:
Yeah, she really wants to talk to you, Veronica.
Veronica Sawyer:
Okay, I'm going. Jesus Christ.
In Cafeteria. Hello Heather.
Heather Chandler:
Veronica, finally. I've got a note of Kurt Kelly's. I need you to forge a hot and horny, but realistically low-key note in Kurt's handwriting and slip it onto Martha Dumptruck's lunch tray.
Veronica Sawyer:
Shit Heather, I don't have anything against Martha Dunstock.
Heather Chandler:
You don't have anything for her either. Come on, it'll be very. The note'll give her shower nozzle masturbation material for weeks.
Veronica Sawyer:
I'll think about it.
Heather Chandler:
Don't think.
Glances at Martha Dunstock. Veronica needs something to write on - Heather, bend over. Dictates: Dear Martha, you're so sweet...
Other side of caf.
Kurt Kelly:
I'm telling you man, it would be so righteous to be in a Veronica Sawyer/ Heather Chandler sandwich.
Ram:
Oh, hell yes. I wanna get a Heather, and put her on my johnson, and just start spinnin her around like a goddamn pinwheel... Punch it in!
Heather McNamara places forged note on Martha Dunstock's lunch tray.
From a table in the caf.
Peter Dawson:
Westerburg feeds the world. Come on people, let's give that left-over lunch money to people who don't have lunches. Those tater-tots you throw away...
Heather McNamara:
God, aren't they fed yet?
Peter Dawson:
Come on, let's go.
Heather McNamara:
Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa?
Veronica Sawyer:
Oh sure, pilgrims, Indians, tater-tots - it's a real party continent.
Heather Chandler:
Sawyer, guess what today is.
Veronica Sawyer:
Ouch. Lunchtime poll?
Heather McNamara:
So what's the question?
Heather Duke:
Yeah, so what's the question, Heather?
Heather Chandler:
Goddamn Heather. You were with me in study hall when I thought of it.
Heather Duke:
I forgot.
Heather Chandler:
Such a pillowcase.
Veronica Sawyer:
This wouldn't be that bizarro thing you were babbling about over the phone last night, would it?
Heather Chandler:
Of course it is. I told Dennis if he gives me another political topic, I'd spew burrito chunks.
Veronica Sawyer, staring at Jason Dean, walks straight into Betty Finn.
Betty Finn:
Oh Veronica, I'm sorry.
Veronica Sawyer:
Betty Finn, gosh. Hey, I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to your birthday party last month.
Betty Finn:
It's okay. Your mom said you had a big date. Think I'd probably miss my own birthday for a date.
Veronica Sawyer:
Don't say that.
Betty Finn:
I was looking around the other day and I dug up.. these old photographs.
Veronica Sawyer:
Laughs. Ohh, they're great.
Heather Chandler:
Grabbing Veronica Sawyer by the sleeve. Come on, Veronica.
Veronica Sawyer:
I was talking to somebody.
Another table in the caf.
Country Club Courtney:
Great, it's Heather.
Country Club Keith:
Oh, shit.
Heather Chandler:
Hi, Courtney. Love your cardigan.
Country Club Courtney:
Thanks. I just got it last night at Limited. Like totally blew my allowance.
Heather Chandler:
Check this out. You win five million dollars from the Publisher's Sweepstakes, and the same day that that big Ed guy gives you the cheque, aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow up the world in two days. What do you do?
Country Club Keith:
That's easy. I'd just slide that wad over to my father, cos he is like one of the top brokers in the State.
Country Club Courtney:
If I got that money, I'd give it all to the homeless. Every cent.
Veronica Sawyer:
You're beautiful.
Walking away.
Heather Chandler:
If you're going to openly be a bitch -
Veronica Sawyer:
It's just, Heather, why can't we talk to different kinds of people?
Heather Chandler:
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Theresa? If I did, I probably wouldn't mind talking to the geek squad.
Geek spits milk.
Geek:
Did you see that? Heather \#1 just looked right at me!
Veronica Sawyer:
Does it not bother you that everybody in this school thinks that you're a piranha?
Heather Chandler:
Like I give a shit. They all want me as a friend or a fuck. I'm worshiped at Westerburg, and I'm only a junior.
Martha Dunstock looks at Kurt Kelly. I can't believe this. We're going to a party at Remington University tonight, and we're brushing up on our conversational skills with the scum of the school.
Veronica Sawyer and Heather Chandler approach table of geeks.
Veronica Sawyer:
Hi
Geeks in unison. Hi
Heather Chandler:
So this is what's called a lunchtime poll.
At the Feed the World table. You win five million dollars in the Publisher's Sweepstakes..
To Kurt Kelly and Ram. ..and the same day that what's-his-face gives you the cheque..
In parking lot. ..aliens land on earth, and..
A table in the caf. ..say they're gonna blow up the world in two days.
In corridor. What are you gonna do with the money?
Geek:
I'd go to Egypt. With a girl.
Betty Finn:
I'd use the money for an end-of-the-world get-together.
Ram:
I'd pay Madonna a million bucks to sit on my face and have her ride like the Kentucky derby..
1st Heavy Metaller:
That's gotta be the most spooky-assed question I ever heard.
Peter Dawson:
Alright, this is important. Tax is only the beginning..
Ram:
..she should pay me, though.
2nd Heavy Metaller:
You go to the zoo and get a lion, then you put a remote-control bomb up its butt..
Peter Dawson:
..social security, legal fees..
2nd Heavy Metaller:
..you push the button on the bomb, and you and the lion die like one.
Female Stoner:
Whaat?
In the caf.
Heather McNamara:
Oh my God. Here we go.
Martha Dunstock takes note to Kurt Kelly, whose entire table bursts out laughing.
Veronica Sawyer goes to the Feed the World table.
Peter Dawson:
Hi, Veronica. Five keeps the neighbourhood alive.
Heather Chandler:
Dragging Veronica Sawyer away. You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school. If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing. Come on Veronica, you used to have a sense of humour.
In the bathroom.
Heather Duke:
Veronica, can you come back here a minute?
Veronica Sawyer:
Flexing index finger. True friend's work is never done.
Heather Chandler:
Gross. Grow up, Heather. Bulimia is so '87.
Veronica Sawyer:
You know, maybe you should see a doctor.
Heather Duke:
Yeah, maybe.
Heather Chandler:
Come on, Heather, let's take another look at today's lunch.
Back in caf. Veronica Sawyer stares at Jason Dean.
Heather McNamara:
God, Veronica, drool much? His name's Jason Dean. He's in my American History.
Veronica Sawyer:
Approaches Jason Dean. Hello Jason Dean.
Jason Dean:
Greetings and salutations. Are you a Heather?
Veronica Sawyer:
No, I'm a Veronica .. Sawyer. This may seem like a really stupid question.
Jason Dean:
There are no stupid questions.
Veronica Sawyer:
You inherit five million dollars the same day aliens land on the earth and say they're gonna blow it up in two days. What do you do?
Jason Dean:
That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.
At Kurt Kelly and Ram's table.
Ram:
Who does that guy in the coat think he is, anyways, Bo Diddley?
Kurt Kelly:
Veronica's into his act, no doubt.
At Jason Dean's table.
Jason Dean:
Ahh, I don't know. Probably row out to the middle of a lake somewhere, bring along a bottle of Tequila, my sax and.. some bac'.
Veronica Sawyer:
How very.
Heather Chandler:
Come on, Veronica.
Veronica Sawyer:
To Jason Dean. Later.
Jason Dean:
Definitely.
Ram:
Let's kick his ass!
Kurt Kelly:
Shit Ram. We're seniors man. We're too old for that kinda crap. Let's give him a good scare, though.
Ram:
Sticks hand in Jason Dean's meal. You gonna eat this?
Kurt Kelly:
What did your boyfriend say when you told him you were moving to Sherwood, Ohio?
Ram:
Answer him, dick.
Kurt Kelly:
Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a "no fags allowed" rule?
Jason Dean:
Well they.. seem to have an open-door policy for assholes, though, don't they?
Kurt Kelly:
What'd you say, dickhead?
Jason Dean:
Stands. Ahh.. I'll repeat myself. Pulls out gun and shoots them both.
Playing croquet.
Heather McNamara:
God, they won't expel him. They'll just suspend him for a week or something.
Heather Chandler:
He used a real gun. They should throw his ass in jail.
Veronica Sawyer:
No way, he used blanks. All Jason Dean really did was ruin two pairs of pants. Maybe not even that. Can you bleach out urine stains?
Heather Chandler:
You seem pretty amused. I thought you had given up on high school guys.
Veronica Sawyer:
Never say never.
Heather Duke:
So what're you going to do, Heather, take the two shots or send me out?
Heather Chandler:
Did you have a brain tumour for breakfast? First you ask if you can be red, knowing that I'm always red. Knocks Heather Duke's ball out.
Heather Duke:
Oh, shit.
Heather Chandler:
It's your turn Heather. Heather Duke walks to ball. Easy shot Heather.
Heather McNamara:
No way, no day.
Veronica Sawyer:
Give it up, girl.
Heather Duke bounces ball off statue and tree, through hoop.
Together:
Veronica Sawyer:
Holy shit
Heather McNamara:
God, that was incredible.
Heather Duke:
Wooh!
Heather McNamara:
So, tonight's the night. Are you two excited?
Heather Chandler:
I'm giving Veronica her shot, her first Remington party. You blow it tonight girl, and it's "keggers with kids" all next year.
Heather Chandler attacks Heather Duke's ball again.
Heather Duke:
Why?
Heather Chandler:
Why not?
Veronica's Mum comes out with a tray of food.
Veronica's Mum:
Heather, your mother's here.
Heather McNamara:
Come on, whoever wants a ride.
Everyone in unison. Bye
Veronica's Dad:
Hey, take a break Veronica. Sit down. So, what was the first week of.. spring vacation withdrawal like?
Veronica Sawyer:
I d'know. It was okay I guess.
Veronica's Mum:
Hey kid, isn't the prom coming up?
Veronica Sawyer:
I guess.
Veronica's Mum:
Any contestants worth mentioning?
Veronica Sawyer:
Maybe.. there's kind of a dark horse in the running.
Veronica's Dad:
Goddamn will somebody tell me why I read these spy novels?
Veronica Sawyer:
Cos you're an idiot.
Veronica's Dad:
Oh yeah, that's it.
Veronica's Mum:
You two.
Veronica Sawyer:
Great pate, but I gotta motor if I want to be ready for that party tonight.
Outside the Snappy Snack Shack that night.
Heather Chandler:
Calling from the car parked in handicapped spot. Corn nuts!
Veronica Sawyer:
BQ or plain?
Heather Chandler:
BQ!
Inside Snappy Snack Shack. Veronica Sawyer grabs packet of corn nuts.
Jason Dean:
Are you gonna pull a super-chug with that?
Veronica Sawyer:
No, but if you're nice, I'll let you buy me a slushie. I see you know your convenience-speak pretty well.
Jason Dean:
Yeah, well.. I've been moved around all my life. Dallas, Batin Rouge, Vegas.. Sherwood, Ohio. There's always been a Snappy Snack Shack. Any town, any time.. pop a ham-and-cheese in the microwave and feast on a turbo dog. Keeps me sane.
Veronica Sawyer:
Really? That thing you pulled in the caf today was pretty severe.
Jason Dean:
Yeah well, the extreme always seems to make an impression. Did you say a cherry or coke slushie?
Veronica Sawyer:
I didn't.. cherry.
Outside.
Veronica Sawyer:
Great bike.
Jason Dean:
Yeah, just a humble perk from my Dad's construction company. You've seen the commercial, right? "Bringing every State to a higher state".
Veronica Sawyer:
Wait a minute. Jason Dean. Your pop's Big Bud Dean Construction? Must be rough moving place to place.
Jason Dean:
Well everybody's life has got static. Is your life perfect?
Veronica Sawyer:
Ob yeah, i'm on my way to a party at Remington University.
Heather Chandler beeps car horn impatiently. No, my life's not perfect. I don't really like my friends.
Jason Dean:
I.. I don't really like your friends either.
Veronica Sawyer:
Well, it's just like they're people I work with, and our job is being popular and shit.
Jason Dean:
Maybe it's time to take a vacation.
At Remington University.
David:
Hello, ladies, throw your coats on the floor. Ah, Veronica, this is Brad.
Brad:
Excellent!
David:
Did you girls bring your partying slippers, huh?
Heather Chandler:
Let's party.
David:
To Brad. She loves to party.
Veronica Sawyer's bedroom.
Veronica Sawyer:
Dear Diary. I want to kill, and you have to believe it's for more than just selfish reasons, more than just a spoke in my menstrual cycle. You have to believe me.
Remington corridor.
Brad:
Hey it's so great to be able to talk to a girl and not have to ask "What's your major?". I hate that. So, when you go to college, what subjects do you think you'll study?
David's room. David and Heather Chandler kissing.
Heather Chandler:
Come on, David. Shouldn't we get back to the party?
David:
We will. It's just you're so hot tonight. I can't control myself.
Heather Chandler goes down...
Veronica Sawyer's bedroom.
Veronica Sawyer:
Oh Christ, I can't explain it, but I'm allowed an understanding that my parents and these Remington University assholes have chosen to ignore. I understand that I must stop Heather.
Brad's room. Veronica Sawyer is playing with a match. She drops it into a mug which catches alight, and the mug into a rubbish bin, which also catches fire.
Bathroom. Heather Chandler washes her mouth and spits at the mirror.
Brad's room.
Brad:
How's my little cheerleader, huh? Oh, I know everyone at your high school isn't so uptight. Come on..
Veronica Sawyer:
Come on, now look, I don't feel so good, okay?
Brad:
Hey, *let's do on the coats'll* be excellent, huh?
Veronica Sawyer:
Stands. You know, I have a little prepared speech for my suitor when he wants more than I'm prepared(I like) to give him. Gee, Blank, I had a really nice -
Brad:
Save the speeches for Malcolm X. I just wanna get laid!
Veronica Sawyer:
You don't deserve my fucking speech.
Veronica Sawyer's bedroom.
Veronica Sawyer:
Betty Finn was a true friend, and I sold her out for a bunch of Swatch-dogs and Diet Coke-heads. Killing Heather would be like offing the Wicked Witch of the West.. wait.. East.. West.. God, I sound like a fucking psycho!
Remington corridor.
Heather Chandler:
What's your damage? Brad says you're being a real *kuse*.
Veronica Sawyer:
Heather, I feel really sick, like I'm gonna throw up, so can we please jam now?
Heather Chandler:
No! Hell No!(Now? How now?)
Veronica Sawyer throws up.
Veronica Sawyer's bedroom.
Veronica Sawyer:
Tomorrow, I'll be kissing her aerobicised ass, but tonight, let me dream of a world without Heather, a world where I am free.
Outside Remington.
Heather Chandler:
You stupid fuck!
Veronica Sawyer:
You goddamn bitch!
Heather Chandler:
You were nothing before you met me. You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn. You were a bluebird. You were a Brownie. You were a Girl-Scout cookie. I got you into a Remington party. What's my thanks? It's on the hallway carpet. I got paid in puke.
Veronica Sawyer:
Lick it up baby, Lick.. it.. up..!
Heather Chandler:
Monday morning, you're history. I'll tell everyone about tonight. Transfer to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson. No-one at Westerburg's gonna let you play their reindeer games.
Veronica Sawyer's bedroom. Veronica Sawyer throws diary across room, as Jason Dean climbs up to window, startling her.
Jason Dean:
Dreadful etiquette, I apologise.
Veronica Sawyer:
It's okay.
Jason Dean:
I saw the croquet setup in the back. You up for a match?
Veronica Sawyer's yard.
Jason Dean:
Mmm.. Thank you, that was my.. first game of strip croquet.
Veronica Sawyer:
Well, you're welcome. It's a lot more interesting than just flinging off your clothes and boning away on a neighbour's swing set.
Jason Dean:
Mmm.. there's a lot to be said for throwing off your - oww!
Veronica Sawyer:
What a night.. What a life.. They wanted to move me into high school out of the sixth grade because I was supposed to be this big genius..
Jason Dean:
Mmm..
Veronica Sawyer:
..then we decided to chuck the idea, because I'd have trouble making friends, blah blah blah.. Now blah blah blah is all I do. I use my grand IQ to decide what colour gloss to wear, and how to hit three keggers before curfew.
Jason Dean:
Mmm.. Heather Chandler is one bitch that deserves to die.
Veronica Sawyer:
Killing her won't solve anything. I say we just grow up, be adults and die. But before that, I'd like to see Heather chandler puke her guts out.
Heather Chandler's kitchen.
Veronica Sawyer:
Trust me, she skips the Saturday morning trip to Grandma's, even when she's not hungover.
Jason Dean:
We'll just concoct ourselves a little hangover cure that'll induce her to spew red, white and blue, then.
Veronica Sawyer:
What about like milk and orange juice. What's the up-chuck factor on that?
Jason Dean:
Finds bottle of Hull Clean. I'm a no-rust-build-up man, myself.
Veronica Sawyer:
Don't be a dick. That stuff'll kill her.
Jason Dean:
'eah...
Veronica Sawyer:
I know, we can cook up some soup, and put it in a coke. It's.. it's pretty sick, eh? Now should it be chicken noodle or bean with bacon?
Jason Dean:
Put a lid on that stuff. I say we go with big blue here.
Veronica Sawyer:
What are you talking about? She would never drink anything that looked like that, anyway.
Jason Dean:
So we'll.. put it in this. Taking mug with lid. She won't be able to see what she's drinking.
Veronica Sawyer:
It's only in a cup, jerk. Takes down another mug. Okay, milk and orange
Jason Dean:
Mmm..
They both start coughing and then in unison: No?
Veronica Sawyer:
Oh well, milk and orange juice will do it quite nicely.
Jason Dean:
Mmm.. you chicken?
Veronica Sawyer:
You're not funny.
Jason Dean:
I'm sorry. Kisses her, and she picks up mug full of Hull Clean. Ahh.. Veronica..
Veronica Sawyer:
What?
Jason Dean:
Ahh.. never mind. I'll.. I'll carry the cup.
Heather Chandler's bedroom.
Veronica Sawyer:
Morning Heather.
Heather Chandler:
Veronica.. And to Jason Dean. Jesse James. Quelle surprise. Hear about Veronica's affection for regurgitation?
Veronica Sawyer:
I think last night we both said a lot of stuff we didn't mean.
Heather Chandler:
Did we? How the hell didcha get in here?
Jason Dean:
Umm.. Veronica knew you'd have a hangover, so I whipped this up for you. It's a family recipe.
Heather Chandler:
What did you do, put a phlegm globber in it or something? I'm not gonna drink that piss.
Jason Dean:
I knew this stuff'd be too intense for her.
Heather Chandler:
Intense. Grow up! You think I'll drink it just because you call me chicken? Jason Dean smiles wryly and nods. Just give me the cup, jerk. Heather Chandler drinks the contents, chokes... Corn nuts! ..and falls head first through her glass table.
Veronica Sawyer:
Oh my God. I can't believe it. I just killed my best friend.
Jason Dean:
And your worst enemy.
Veronica Sawyer:
Same difference. Ohh..
Jason Dean:
What're we gonna tell the cops? Fuck it if she can't take a joke, Searge?
Veronica Sawyer:
Oh the cops. I can't believe this is my life. Oh my God. I'm gonna have to send my SAT scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford.
Jason Dean:
Ohh.. alright.. I'm just a little freaked, here. At least you got whatcha wanted, y'know?
Veronica Sawyer:
Got what I wanted? It is one thing to want somebody out of your life, it is another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer.
Jason Dean:
Sees cover story on Info magazine about teenage suicide. Yeah... All right... We did a murder and that's a crime, but this were like a suicide thing, y'know?
Veronica Sawyer:
Like a suicide thing?
Jason Dean:
Yeah. I mean, you can do Heather's handwriting as well as your own, right? ..Right?
Veronica Sawyer:
Takes paper from drawer and starts composing aloud. You might think what I've done is shocking -
Jason Dean:
Umm.. to me, though, suicide is the natural answer to the myriad of problems life has given me.
Veronica Sawyer:
That's good, but Heather would never use the word "myriad".
Jason Dean:
This is the last thing she'll ever write - she'll want to cash in on as many fifty cent words as possible.
Veronica Sawyer:
Yeah, but she missed "myriad" on the vocab test two weeks ago.
Jason Dean:
It proves my point more. The word is a badge for her failures at school.
Veronica Sawyer:
Oh. Okay, you're probably right. Umm.. composing. people think that just because you're beautiful and popular, life is easy and fun. No-one understood, I had feelings too.
Jason Dean:
I die knowing no-one knew the real me.
Veronica Sawyer:
That's good. Have you done this before?
Westerburg Conference room.
Principal Gowan:
Any other principal'd take the same position. Keep things business as usual.
Paul Hyde:
Heather Chandler's not your every-day suicide. She was very popular.
Principal Gowan:
Come on, Paul. If I let these kids out before lunch, the switchboard'd light up like a Christmas tree.
Teacher in Conference Room:
I must say I was impressed to see that she made proper use of the word "myriad" in her suicide note.
Pauline Fleming:
I find it profoundly disturbing that we're told of the tragic destruction of youth, and all we can think to talk about is adequate mourning times and misused vocabulary words.
Principal Gowan:
Christ.
Pauline Fleming:
We must revel in this revealing moment. Look, I suggest that we get everybody together, both students and teachers, in the cafeteria, and just.. talk, and.. feel, together.
Principal Gowan:
Thank you, Miss Fleming, you call me when the shuttle lands. Now, is this Heather the cheerleader?
Paul Hyde:
That would be Heather McNamara.
Principal Gowan:
Damn. I'd be willing to go half a day for a cheerleader.
Girl's locker room.
Heather McNamara:
God, it's unfair. It's just so unfair. We should get off a whole week, not just an hour.
Heather Duke:
Write the school board.
Veronica Sawyer:
Watch it Heather, you might be digesting food there.
Heather McNamara:
Yeah, where's your urge to purge?
Heather Duke:
Fuck it.
Heather McNamara:
Looking through Heather Chandler's locker. Look.. Heather left behind one of her Swatches. She'd want you to have it, Veronica. She always said you couldn't accessorise for shit.
Tracy in Pauline's Class:
Sorry to hear about your friend. Thought she was your usual airhead bitch. Guess I was wrong. We all were.
Heather McNamara:
What a waste.
Heather Duke:
Oh, the humanity.
Veronica Sawyer gets under a shower, fully-clothed.
Heather McNamara:
Veronica.. Veronica, what are you doing?
Pauline Fleming's class.
Pauline Fleming:
I'm just so.. thrilled.. to finally have an example of the profound sensitivity of which a human animal is capable. That example is Heather Chandler. I have her note.
Murmurs from class. Now, I'm going to pass this note around the class, so you can all feel its pathetic beauty for yourself. And while we do this, I think its a good opportunity to share the.. feelings that this suicide has spurred in all of us. Now, who would like to begin?
Tracy in Pauline's Class:
I heard it was really gnarly. She sucked down a bowl of multi-purpose deodorizing disinfectant, and then smash!
Pauline Fleming:
Uh, now, Tracey, let's not rehash the coroner's report. Let's talk emotions.
Peter Dawson:
Um. Heather and I used to go out, and she said I was boring, but now I realise I really wasn't boring, it's just that she was dissatisfied with her life.
Pauline Fleming:
That's very good, Peter.
Veronica Sawyer bursts out laughing, then covers up by crying.
Nerd in Pauline's Class:
Are we going to be tested on this?
Jason Dean's house.
Heather Duke:
On TV. You know, we were the same size, so sometimes we could borrow each other's clothes, and mix it up. It was fun.
Peter Dawson:
On TV. I remember I won her a rhino at the 4H Club, for -
Veronica Sawyer:
Oh you're an asshole. Mute him.
Heather Duke:
On TV. You know, we liked the same kind of clothes -
Veronica Sawyer:
Heather, how many networks did you run to?
Heather Duke:
On TV. - we liked a lot of the same things.
Country Club Courtney:
On TV. It's not going to be the same here without her -
Veronica Sawyer:
What're you talking about? You hated her, she hated you.
Country Club Courtney:
On TV. - every English class, I looked forward to seeing her -
Jason Dean switches off TV.
Jason Dean:
Heather Chandler's more popular than ever, now.
Veronica Sawyer:
Scary stuff.
Big Bud Dean enters.
Jason Dean:
Hey, son, I didn't hear you come in.
Big Bud Dean:
Hey, dad, how was work today? It was miserable. Some damn tribe of withered old bitches doesn't want us to terminate that fleabag hotel. Huh. All because Glenn Miller and his band once took a shit there. Just like Kansas. Remember fucking Kansas?
Jason Dean:
Yeah, that was the one with the wheat, right?
Big Bud Dean:
'eah.. "Save The Memorial Oak Tree" Society. Showed those fucks.
Jason Dean:
Thirty of those 4th of July fireworks attached to the trunk. Arraigned, but acquitted.
Big Bud Dean:
Gosh, pop, I almost forgot to introduce my girlfriend.
Jason Dean:
Veronica, this is my Dad. Dad - Veronica.
Veronica Sawyer:
Hi.
Jason Dean:
Son, why don't you ask your little friend to stay for dinner?
Veronica Sawyer:
I can't, my Mom's making my favourite meal tonight, Spaghetti.. lots of oregano.
Jason Dean:
How nice. Last time I saw my Mom, she was waving from a library window in Texas. Right Dad?
Big Bud Dean:
Right.. son.
Veronica Sawyer:
Right.
Veronica Sawyer's house.
Veronica's Dad:
Hey, take a break Veronica. Sit down. So, what was the first day after Heather's suicide like?
Veronica Sawyer:
I d'know. It was okay, I guess.
Veronica's Mum:
Terrible thing. So.. we get to meet this dark horse prom contender?
Veronica Sawyer:
Maybe.
Veronica's Dad:
Goddamn will somebody tell me why I smoke these damn things?
Veronica Sawyer:
Cos you're an idiot.
Veronica's Dad:
Oh yeah, that's it.
Veronica's Mum:
You two.
Veronica Sawyer:
Great pate, but I gotta motor if I want to be ready for that funeral.
Church.
Father Ripper:
I blame not Heather, but rather a society that tells its youth that the answers can be found in the MTV video games. We must pray that the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio know the name of that righteous dude who can solve their problems. It's Jesus Christ, and he's in the book.
All: Amen.
Heather Chandler's friends pray silently beside her, one by one.
Heather McNamara:
Oh God, this is a tragic thing, and sometimes I have a hard time dealing with it and stuff. Please send Heather to Heaven and all that.
PE:
Dear God, please make sure this never happens to me, cos I don't think I can handle suicide. Plus, early acceptance into an Ivy League school and please let it be Harvard. Amen.
Ram:
Jesus, God in Heaven, why didcha kill such hot snatch? Hey, it's a joke, man. Jeez, people are so serious. Hail Mary who aren't in Heaven, bless sinners - so we don't get caught. Another joke man.
Heather Duke:
I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times, and I felt bad every time I did it, but I kept doing it anyway. Now I know you understood everything. Praise Jesus, Hallelujah.
Veronica Sawyer:
Hi, I'm sorry. Technically I did not kill Heather Chandler, but hey. who am I trying to kid, right? I just want my high school to be a nice place. Amen. Did that sound bitchy?
Heather McNamara:
Veronica, what're you doing tonight?
Veronica Sawyer:
I don't know, mourning, maybe watch some TV. Why?
Heather McNamara:
Well, Ram asked me out tonight, but he wants to double with Kurt, and Kurt doesn't have a date.
Veronica Sawyer:
Heather, I have something going with Jason Dean.
Heather McNamara:
Please Veronica, put Billy the Kid on hold for tonight. I'm your best friend.
Kurt Kelly:
So, we on tonight, man, or what?
Ram:
I don't know. Still got to talk to Heather, dude. Great funeral, huh?
Geek passes Kurt Kelly.
Kurt Kelly:
That pudwacker just stepped on my foot.
Ram:
Let's kick his ass -
Kurt Kelly:
Cool off. We're seniors.
Ram:
You goddamn geek.
Geek:
Uh, well.. Gives them the finger. Sit and spin.
Kurt Kelly:
Little prick.
Ram and Kurt Kelly chase and catch Geek. Ram pins him down. You piece of shit bag, you like to suck big dicks?
Geek:
Kurt, Oww..
Kurt Kelly:
Say I like to suck big dicks.
2nd Geek:
Leave him a-lone, Ram.
Geek:
Oww..
Ram:
Say it.. Say it.
Geek:
Okay, okay. You like to suck big dicks.
Ram flattens him. Oh, oh, I like to suck big dicks. Mmmm.. Mmmmmm.. I can't get enough of 'em. Are you satisfied?
Heather McNamara:
Don't worry, Ram's been so sweet lately, consoling me and stuff. It'll be really very. Promise.
Veronica Sawyer:
Okay, just as long as it's not one of those nights when they get shit- faced and take us to a pasture to tip cows.
In a pasture somewhere...
Kurt Kelly:
Is he sleeping, dude?
Ram:
I think so, man. Come here..
Kurt Kelly:
Shit..
Ram:
Cow-tipping's the fuckin' greatest. Punch it in!
Kurt Kelly:
Owww.. okay on the count of three, guy.
In unison. One, two, three.
Cow lands in mud, covering Veronica Sawyer and Heather McNamara. Kurt Kelly and Ram laugh hysterically. Ram jumps on Heather McNamara.
Kurt Kelly:
To Veronica Sawyer. When I get that feeling, I need sexual healing.
Veronica Sawyer:
Yeah, right, asshole.
Kurt Kelly keels over.
Jason Dean:
Coming down the hill. What is this shit?
Veronica Sawyer:
Doing a favour for Heather. Double date. I tried to tell you at the funeral, but you rode off.
Jason Dean:
Another fuckin' Heather. Sorry, I'm feeling a little superior tonight. Seven schools in seven states, and the only thing different is my locker combination. Our love is God. Let's go get a slushie.
School paper editing room.
Dennis:
I'm not belittling the foodless fund, Peter, it's just that we're talking teenage suicide here. Ask Alison: The number one song on America today is "Teenage suicide, don't do it" by Big Fun. Jesus man, Westerburg finally got one of these things, and I'm not gonna blow it!
Peter Dawson:
Great. So Heather gets the front page, and I get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupons.
Veronica walks in.
Veronica Sawyer:
Hi guys. Came to check up on this weeks lunch time poll topic.
Dennis:
Don't worry about it Veronica. Sit down. The funeral yesterday must really have been rough, eh?
Veronica Sawyer:
Oh, yeah....
Dennis:
We were wondering if you had any poems.. artwork that Heather did that we can put in the Heather Chandler Yearbook Spring.
Veronica Sawyer:
The what?
Dennis:
Come here, take a look. A two page layout, with her suicude note right up here in the corner. It's more tasteful than it sounds.
Veronica Sawyer:
I don't know Dennis, this stuff leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Country Club Courtney:
Like last night, Veronica?
Country Club Courtney looks at a friend and giggles.
Veronica Sawyer:
Excuse me? I don't get it.
Country Club Courtney:
What you did last night. Kurt told us of your little date.
Veronica Sawyer:
Yeah, and? I left him drunk and flailing in cow shit.
Country Club Courtney:
Well, I don't know, he was really detailed...
Peter Dawson:
Shut up, Courtney.
Veronica Sawyer:
No, don't shut up, I'd like to know exactly what I did.
Peter Dawson:
Come on, Veronica. I'll show you the lunch time poll topic.
Outside the room.
Veronica Sawyer:
What the fuck?
Peter Dawson:
OK, I rarely listen to neanderthals like Kurt Kelly, but he said that he and Ram had a nice little sword fight in your mouth last night. You know what I mean?
Veronica Sawyer:
No! That son-of-a-bitch!
Veronica sitting in her bed, on the phone. Hi Kurt. Hi, this is Veronica Sawyer. Yeah, I didn't expect to be calling either, I just guess my emotions took over... I was wondering if you wanted all those things you've been saying to really happen? It's always been a fantasy of mine to have two guys at once. Sure, you can write to Penthouse Forum.
Throws a pillow at Jason Dean, who is sitting on her bed, laughing. Yes, in the woods behind the school. At dawn. Don't forget Ram!
Kurt hangs up the phone, looking confused. I don't get the point of me writing a suicide note when we'll just going to be shooting them with blanks.
Jason Dean:
We're not going to be using blanks, this time.
Veronica Sawyer:
You can't be serious.
Jason Dean:
I am.
Veronica Sawyer:
Listen, my Bonnie and Clyde days are over.
Jason Dean:
Wait a second, wait a second. Do you take german?
Veronica Sawyer:
French.
Jason Dean:
Alright, these are Ich Lüge bullets. My grandfather snared a shitload of them back in WW II. They're like tranquillizers, only they break the surface of the skin, enough to cause a little blood, but no real damage. ["Ich Lüge" is German and means "I am lying" - K.S.]
Veronica Sawyer:
So it looks like the person has been shot and killed, and really they're just laying there unconsious and bleeding? Jason Dean Right. We shoot Kurt and Ram, make it look like they shot each other. By the time they regain consiousness they will be the laughing stock of the whole school. The note's the punchline, how did that turn out?
Veronica Sawyer:
First tell me the similarity is not increadible.
Jason Dean:
Incredible similarity...
Veronica grins.
Veronica Sawyer:
OK.
reading the note. Ram and I died the day we realized we could never reveal our forbidden love to an uncaring and ununderstanding world. The joy we shared in each others arms was greater than any touch down, yet we were forced to live the lives of sexist, beer guzzling jock assholes.
Jason Dean:
It's perfect. Let's take a look at some the homosexual artifacts I dug up to plant at the scene. Alright. An issue of Stud Puppie.
Veronica Sawyer:
Great.
Jason Dean:
Candy dish. Joan Crawford postcard. Let's see... Some mascara. Alright. Here's the one perfecto thing I picked up. Mineral water.
Veronica Sawyer:
Oh, come on, a lot of people drink mineral water. It's come a long way.
Jason Dean:
Yes, but this is Ohio. I mean, if you don't have a brewski in your hand you might as well be wearing a dress.
Veronica Sawyer:
Oh, you're so smart.
Veronica rises from the bed, and they kiss.
In the woods.
Kurt Kelly:
Hi Veronica!
Veronica Sawyer:
Hi guys! I'm glad you could make it.
Ram:
So, should I just whoop it out, or?
Veronica Sawyer:
Well, I made a circle on each side of the clearing... Ram you come over here. Kurt... When you get to the circle, strip!
Ram:
What about you?
Veronica Sawyer:
I was kind of hoping you could rip my clothes off me, sport?
Ram:
Good idea.
The guys strip.
Veronica Sawyer:
OK, count of three guys? One... Two...
Jason Dean jumps out from behind a tree, and takes out his gun.
Jason Dean:
Three!
Jason Dean shoots Ram. Veronica shoots Kurt, but misses..
Kurt Kelly:
Wow!
Kurt runs away.
Jason Dean:
Did you miss him completely?
Veronica Sawyer:
Yes, but don't worry. It was worth it, just to see the look on him!
Jason Dean:
Don't move, I'll get him back.
Jason Dean runs after Kurt.
Veronica realizes that Ram is dead. Kurt comes back to the clearing.. Now!
Veronica shoots Kurt..
In a police car nearby.
Officer Milner:
Hey, I heard it that time!
Officer McCord:
What?
Officer Milner:
Another gun shot, from the woods.
Officer McCord:
Shit! Let's roll!
Veronica Sawyer:
Kurt doesn't look to good.
Jason Dean:
Just remember he's left handed.
They here somthing, and run away.
Officer McCord:
Mother of shit!
Officer Milner:
Call in. Hey, I heard something out there, I'm checking it out.
Speaking into the radio.
Officer McCord:
Yeah, this is officer McCord. I've got two bodies in the woods behind Westerburg High.
Jason Dean and Veronica Sawyer are being chased by the cop, and starts to make out in the car.
Officer McCord:
Do you hear me? What's going down?
Officer Milner:
Yeah, yeah. I think what I heard bak there was a bunny rabbit. All I got here is two kids making out in a station wagon. Should I pry them apart?
Officer McCord:
No, no, no. Forget it, I've got all the answers here. Are they naked?
Officer Milner:
So, what's the deal?
Officer McCord:
Suicide. Double suicide. They shot each other.
Officer Milner:
Hey, that's Kurt Kelly!
Officer McCord:
And the line backer Ram Sweeney.
Officer Milner:
My god, suicide. Why?
Officer McCord:
Does this answer your question?
Takes out the mineral water from a bag.
Officer Milner:
Oh man, they were fags!
Officer McCord:
Listen up. "We realized we could never reveal our forbidden love to an uncaring and ununderstanding world."
Officer Milner:
Jesus H Christ!
Officer McCord:
The quarter back, buggering the line backer. What a waste!
Officer Milner:
Oh, the humanity!
On the parking lot, in the car. Veronica gets a cigarette from Jason Dean..
Veronica Sawyer:
We killed them, didn't we?
Jason Dean:
Of course!
Veronica takes the lighter and pushes it into her hand. She screams..
Jason Dean takes it away, and lights his cigarette from her hand. She screams more..
Veronica Sawyer:
Ich Luge bullets! I'm such an idiot!
Jason Dean:
Look. You believed it, because you wanted to believe it. Your true feelings were to gross and icky for you to face.
Veronica Sawyer:
I did NOT want them dead!
Jason Dean:
You did too!
Veronica Sawyer:
I did not!
Jason Dean:
Did too!
Veronica Sawyer:
I did not!
several times.... Shut up! I did not want them to...
Jason Dean:
Come on! You did. You're just not...
Veronica starts singing, holding her hands to her ears.
To Heather McNamara:
Heather Duke:
Young love...
1st Unknown:
Did you hear? School's cancelled today, because Kurt and Ram killed themselves in a repressed homosexual suicide pact.
Heather Duke:
No way!
Heather McNamara looks strangely at her.
Veronica Sawyer:
God!
Jason Dean:
Football season is over, Veronica. Kurt and Ram had nothing to offer this school but date rapes and AIDS jokes. Veronica Sawyer Sure... Could we make an ice run before the funeral?
In church.
Kurt's Dad:
If there's any way you can hear me, Kurt buddy... I don't care that you really were some pansy... You're my own flesh and blood, and you made me proud. My son's a homosexual, and I love him! I love my dead gay son!
Jason Dean:
How do you think he'd react to a son that had a limp wrist with a pulse?
Veronica Sawyer laughs, but stops when she sees Kurts sister crying.
Veronica Sawyer's bedroom.
Veronica Sawyer:
Dear diary. My teen angst bullshit has a body count. The most popular people in school are dead. Everybody is sad, but it's a wierd kind of sad. Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, Ram a brain. I don't know what it's getting me, but I've got no control over myself when I'm with Jason Dean. Are we going to prom or to hell?
conference room.
Pauline Fleming:
Now. It seems we were in a similar position on monday, when I thoughtfully suggested we'd get everybody together for an unadultarated emotional outpour. But no. You took this as an opportunity to play yet another round of Lets Laugh At The Hippie.
Paul Hyde:
Pauline, ...
Principal Gowan:
Shut up, Paul! I've seen a lot of bullshit. Angel Dust, switchblades, sexually perversed photography exhibits involving tennis rackets... but this suicide thing... I guess that's more on Paulines wavelength. We're just gonna write off today, and on friday Pauline can hold her little "love-in", or whatever.
in the caf.
Pauline Fleming:
shouts. Attention!
Geek spits out his milk. May I have your attention?
Veronica Sawyer walks in through the door, wearing black glasses. This school has been torn apart by tragedies. I'm here to fuse it back again, in togetherness. I want everybody to clap hands. Veronica Sawyer takes of her glasses, and looks at Pauline Fleming as if she was insane. We need to connect this cafeteria into one mighty circuit! Look! Here's the TV crew! Clap your hands!
Pauline Fleming start walking around in the caf, making everybody hold hands.
Veronica Sawyer:
to Heather Duke. Look's like Ms Phlegm's on another one of her crusades. Usual success, of course.
TV:
Hi, what's your name?
Heather Duke:
smiling. Hi, I'm Heather Duke.
Martha Dunstock crawls down under the table.
Jason Dean walks up to Veronica Sawyer, and holds her from behind.
Jason Dean:
Is this as good for you as it is for me?
Jason Dean takes a seat at Martha Dunstock's table, and Martha Dunstock returns to her chair. Greetings and salutations!
Peter Dawson:
to Pauline Fleming. I need a copy of all this by monday for my Princeton application.
Veronica Sawyer leaves.
at Jason Dean's house.
Veronica Sawyer:
That thing this afternoon! I'm so angry! It was chaos, fucking chaos.
Jason Dean:
What are you talking about? I mean, today was great! Chaos is great! Chaos is what killed the dinosaures, darling.
Veronica Sawyer sighs. Face it, our way is the way. I mean, we scare people into not being assholes!
Veronica Sawyer:
Our way is not `our' way!
Jason Dean:
Tell that to the judge, alright. Tell it to Kurt Kelly!
Jason Dean pretends he's been shot. `Oh, God, Veronica!'
Veronica Sawyer throws something at Jason Dean.
Veronica Sawyer:
I'm telling it to you! God, you can be SO immature!
Jason Dean:
Oh, you kids are making too much damn noise!
Big Bud Dean enters with a video tape in his hand, smiling.
Big Bud Dean:
We beat the bitches.
Veronica Sawyer:
Beautiful. The Beaver is home.
Big Bud Dean:
The judge told them to slurp shit and die. the TV showing a large house. I put a norwegian in the boiler room. Masterful! the house falls apart. And then, when that blew... it set off a pack of thermals I stuck upstairs.
Big Bud Dean laughs. Some days it's great to be alive.
Big Bud Dean leaves.
Veronica Sawyer:
Do you like your father?
Jason Dean:
I've never given the matter much thought. I liked my mother. They said her death was an accident, but she knew what she was doing. She walked into the building two minutes before my dad blew the place up. She waved at me, and then... Boom.
2nd Unknown:
on the radio: If I'm getting one more request for that Big Fun song, I am gonna commit suicide!
Jason Dean:
Hey, they're playing our song!
2nd Unknown:
radio. Here it is: Teenage Suicide, don't do it.
song playing, then Jason Dean shoots the radio.
Veronica Sawyer:
That's it! We're breaking up!
Veronica Sawyer tries to leave, but Jason Dean throws her back on the couch.
Jason Dean:
What? You you can't bring them back, you must know that.
Veronica Sawyer:
I am not trying to bring anybody back, except maybe myself.
Jason Dean kisses Veronica Sawyer, but she jumps away. And to think there was a time when I actually thought you were cool! Man, if you can't deal with me now, then just stay home and shoot your TV. Blow up a couple of toasters or something. Just don't come to school, and don't mess with me!
Veronica Sawyer leaves.
Jason Dean:
You'll be back!
In the chemistry lab. Jason Dean walkes in and gives Heather Duke a photo.
Heather Duke:
Me and Martha Dumptruck? Where did you get this?
Jason Dean:
Ah, I just had the nicest little chat with Ms Dumptruck. We got along famously. Kind of scary though that everybody has got a little story to tell. Do you wanna see the canoeing shots?
Heather Duke:
What is this? Blackmail? I'll give you a weeks lunch money.
Jason Dean:
I don't want your money. I want your strength. Westerburg doesn't need mushy togetherness, it needs a strong leader. Heather Chandler was that leader, but...
Heather Duke:
But she couldn't handle it.
Jason Dean:
I think you can. Moby Dick is dunked. The white whale drank some bad plankton and splashed through a coffee table. Now it's your turn to take the helm.
Heather Duke:
What about the photographs?
Jason Dean:
Don't worry. I'll ask you to do me a favour, it'll be one you'll enjoy. And you'll get the negatives and everything back then. But in the mean time... strength. Here's a little gift.
Jason Dean hands over Heather Chandler's scrunchee. Have a good day, Heather.
Veronica Sawyer opens Heather Chandler's locker, and sees the note ``I shop, therefore I am''.
Heather Duke walks up and puts her hands on Veronica Sawyer's eyes.
Heather Duke:
Guess who?
Veronica Sawyer:
Heather?
Heather Duke takes a few things from locker door..
Veronica Sawyer's bed.
Betty Finn:
on the phone. Hello?
Veronica Sawyer:
Hello Betty? This is Veronica.
outside Veronica Sawyer's house, playing croquet.
Betty Finn:
I don't believe it, I'm winning!
Veronica Sawyer:
Don't you start getting cocky on me now, girl.
Betty Finn:
I've really missed you. I know I'm not as exciting as your other friends.
Veronica Sawyer:
That is bullshit. Shoot.
Betty Finn:
Do you know I'm still a virgin? Ok, I french kissed Al Springler once. Total disaster!
Veronica Sawyer:
Shoot the ball! You know Betty, your day dreams are much better than my reality, believe me... But know, prepare to die.
Betty Finn:
Ronnie!
Veronica Sawyer shoots, hits Betty Finn's ball. You're not gonna go for just those two shots? Go ahead, knock me out. It's the only way to win.
Veronica Sawyer:
It's not my style.
Betty Finn:
Nice guys finish last. I should know.
Veronica Sawyer knocks Betty Finn's ball out.
Heather Duke and Heather McNamara enters.
Heather Duke:
Bravo. Brav-o!
Betty Finn:
I gotta go home, OK?
Veronica Sawyer:
OK.
Betty Finn:
Thanks.
Veronica Sawyer:
Bye, Betty.
Heather Duke:
Betty, leaving so soon? I'm red.
Martha Dunstock sits at the gym, and spills a coke all over her.
on TV, at Veronica Sawyer.
Pauline Fleming:
The Westerburg suicides were tough on all of us. But we shared the pain of losing three very popular students. I came into the cafeteria and asked them to hold hands, ...
Veronica's Dad:
Isn't that the flake we met at the Open House?
Pauline Fleming:
... in a burst of cleansing syncronicity, TV cameras happened upon the scene
Veronica Sawyer:
Cleansing syncronicity? Outpouring of emotions?
Veronica's Dad:
There's Heather!
Veronica's Mum:
And there's Heather! Where are you, Veronica?
Pauline Fleming:
Before a teenager decides to kill himself, there are a few things he needs to know. After all, this is a decision that effects all of us. And there's only one chance to get it right.
Martha Dunstock walks into the traffic, with a note on her T-shirt.
Veronica Sawyer switches off the TV.
Veronica's Mum:
Turn that back on!
Veronica Sawyer:
Can't you see these programs are eating suicide with a spoon? They make it sound like it's a cool thing to do!
Veronica's Mum:
Are you telling me this is not a time for troubled youth? Stand up straight.
Veronica Sawyer:
All we want is to be treated like human beings. Not experimented on like guinea pigs, or patronized like bunny rabbits.
Veronica's Dad:
I don't patronize bunny rabbits!
Veronica's Mum:
Treated like human beings? Is that what you said, little Ms. Voice-of-a- Generation? How do you think adults act with other adults? Do you think it's just like a game of doubles tennis? When teenagers complain that they wants to be treated like human beings, it's usually because they ARE treated like human beings.
Veronica Sawyer:
I guess I picked the wrong time to be a human being.
Veronica's Mum:
You'll live.. Want some pate?
Heather Duke enters.
Heather Duke:
Hello everybody, the door was open. Veronica, have you heard? We were doing chinese at the food fair when it comes over the phone that Martha Dumptruck tried to buy the farm. She belly flopped(?) in front of a car, wearing a suicide note.
Veronica Sawyer:
Is she dead?
Heather Duke:
No, that's the punchline. She's alive, and in stabile condition. Just another example of a geek trying to imitate the popular people at school, failing miserably. Is that pate?
Veronica Sawyer hits her on the face.
Veronica Sawyer's room.
Veronica Sawyer:
I said I was sorry!
Heather Duke:
You were out of control! I mean, Heather and Kurt were a shock, but Martha Dumptruck? Get crucial. She has dialed the suicide hotline since she was in diapers.
Veronica Sawyer:
You're not funny.
Heather Duke:
Look. Martha couldn't take the heat, so she got out of the kitchen. Just think what a better place this world would be if every moron followed her cue.
Veronica Sawyer:
Shut up. Hot Probs is on.
Heather Duke:
Oh, shit, yeah.
3rd Unknown:
It's like Skip is Ok, but still, sometimes I feel like I'm on that island... And Gilligan can just be so stupid sometimes.
Hot Probs DJ:
Well, dude, just remember: if it wasn't for the fearless crew, the minnow would be lost, and you are too. Next!
Heather Duke:
That sounded like a big one.
4th Unknown:
You've got the dog catcher!
Heather McNamara:
on the radio. My name is Heather. No, it's not Heather. No, it's Madonna.
Veronica Sawyer and Heather Duke look at each other, shocked. Jeez, no, not that.
Hot Probs DJ:
Hey babe, I need a name.
Heather McNamara looks at her bird.
Heather McNamara:
My name is Tweety.
Hot Probs DJ:
Tweety? Oh, tweet!
Heather McNamara:
God has cursed me, I think. The last guy I had sex with, killed himself the next day. I'm failing math, my whole life is a mess. I was supposed to be captain of the cheerleading team...
Veronica Sawyer:
She knows we listen to this show...
Heather Duke:
smiling. Holy shit! We'll crusify her!
Heather McNamara:
My parents are divorced and stuff...
School. ``Poor little Heather'' is written on the black board.
Veronica Sawyer:
Heather told everyone about Heather. Yes, dear diary. I cut off Heather Chandlers head, and Heather Dukes head has sprung right back in its place, like some mythological thing my eigth grade boyfriend would have known about. Heather's even doing the old note trick. I've seen Jason Dean's way. I've seen Pauline Flemings way, and nothing has changed. I guess that's Heathers way. And Jesus, what about Jason Dean? I can't get him out of my head!
Heather McNamara leaves. Wait. Where's Heather going?
Gruff Teacher:
Where's Heather going?
Heather Duke:
She's going to cry!
whole class laughes.
School bathroom.
Heather McNamara:
Fucking child protected caps!
Veronica Sawyer leaves.
Gruff Teacher:
Where's she going?
Veronica Sawyer:
Heather!
Veronica Sawyer throws Heather McNamara to the wall.
Heather McNamara:
What are you trying to do? Kill me?
Veronica Sawyer:
What are you trying to do? Sleep?
Heather McNamara:
Suicide is a private thing.
Veronica Sawyer:
Heather, you're throwing your life away to become a statistics in the US fucking A Today. That's about the least private thing I can think of.
Heather McNamara:
What about Heather and Kurt and Ram?
Veronica Sawyer:
If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?
Heather McNamara:
Probably.
Veronica Sawyer:
If you're happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host.
Heather McNamara:
What do you say we knock off early and buy some shoes or something lame like that?
Veronica Sawyer:
OK.
Chemistry lab, Heather Duke is holding the photos which are burning..
Jason Dean:
So it has come to this... Heather Chandler did polls, I want you to do a petition. As a favour. As THE favour. You've heard of the group Big Fun, right?
Heather Duke:
That's right. Teenage suicide, don't do it.
Jason Dean:
Right. Some teeny-bopper rag say they want to play a prom. Could be Westerburg's if we get everybody's John Hancock.
Heather Duke:
I'll get right on, coach. A little gift for you, I won't be needing it.
Heather Duke walks around school, and makes everybody sign the petition.
Heather Duke sits in a window.
Veronica Sawyer:
Heather?
Heather Duke:
Veronica. Color me stoked, girl. I've gotten everybody to sign this petition. Even those who think Big Fun are tuneless Euro fags. People love me! You know, you haven't signed yet.
Veronica Sawyer:
People love you, but I know you. Jennifer Forbes said the petition she signed was to put a hot tub in the cafeteria, and Doug Hilton said...
Heather Duke:
Some people need different kinds of convincing than others. Just sign the petition, OK?
Veronica Sawyer:
Don't talk to me like that, OK?
Heather Duke:
Look, it was Jason Dean's idea. He made out the signature sheets and everything, so why don't you just sign it!
Veronica Sawyer:
No.
Heather Duke:
Jealous much?
Veronica Sawyer tries to hit Heather Duke, but fails.
Veronica Sawyer:
Heather, why can't you just be a friend? Why are you such a mega bitch?
Heather Duke:
Because I can be. Veronica, why are you pulling my dick? Do you think... I mean, do you really think if Betty Finns fairy godmother made her cool, she'd still hang out with her dweebette friends? No way, Veronica.
Heather Duke leaves, and Jason Dean enters.
Jason Dean:
Want to go out tonight? Catch a movie, you know, some miniature golf?
Veronica Sawyer:
I was thinking more along the lines of slitting Heather Dukes wrists open, making it look like a suicide.
Jason Dean:
Now you're talking! I could be up for that. I've already started underlining meaningful passages in her copy of ``Moby Dick''. I knew you'd be back... I knew it. I was positive, I was sure.
Veronica Sawyer hits Jason Dean.
Veronica Sawyer:
It's over Jason Dean, over. Grow up!
Jason Dean:
I don't get it! You were wrong, and I was right! Strength, damn it!
Veronica Sawyer leaves. Come on, come back!
Veronica Sawyer comes home, and sees her parents sitting in the sofa, waiting for her.
Veronica Sawyer:
Yes?
Veronica's Mum:
Your friend Jason Dean stopped by, he seemed very concered about you. He said you might try to kill yourself.
Veronica's Dad:
You've been depressed lately. Oh, he left this for you.
Veronica Sawyer opens the letter. It says ``recognize the handwriting?''.
Veronica Sawyer:
Oh my God.
Veronica's Mum:
He said we should keep you away from sharp objects, closed garage
Veronica Sawyer leaves. doors, chemicals, prescription drugs....
A doll with a T-shirt with ``Big Fun'' is hanging from Veronica Sawyer's ceiling..
Veronica Sawyer lies down on her bed..
Suddenly Jason Dean sits by her bed.
Jason Dean:
"???. ... and even for hate, thou cans't but kill, and all are killed". I like it. It's got that "what a cruel world, so lets toss ourselves in the abyss" type of ambience. Come on! It's Heathers copy of Moby Dick. Why don't you give it a try. Underline something.
Veronica Sawyer:
Get off of my bed, you fucking psycho! Do you think you're a rebel? Do you actually think you're a rebell? You're not a rebel, you're a fucking psychotic!
Jason Dean:
You say tomato, I say tomato... Hold it! ``Eskimo''! It's one word... I love it! I usually go for the whole sentence myself, but this is perfecto! Eskimo, you know... It's so mysterious. Es-ki-mo.
Jason Dean underlines the word.
at Heather Duke.
Jason Dean:
Come on!
Veronica Sawyer:
Jason Dean, you're not listening to me!
Jason Dean:
Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag!
Veronica Sawyer:
The knife is filthy!
Jason Dean:
What do you think I'm gonna do with it? Take out her tonsils?
Veronica Sawyer:
Excuse me, I think I know Heather a little bit better than you do. If she was going to slip her wrists, the knife would be spotless.
Jason Dean:
Here! Now can you see your fucking reflection in the thing?
Veronica Sawyer sees her reflection in the knife, looking like Heather Duke.
Veronica Sawyer:
Tomorrow someone else is just going to move into her place. That person could be me.. Ha! There's only one of us who knows how to do Heathers handwriting! And if you think I'm gonna write another suicide note you're wrong!
Jason Dean:
You don't get it, do you? Society nodds its head on any horror the american teenager can think of, to bring upon herself. Nobody's gonna care about exact handwriting! Look!
Jason Dean takes Veronica Sawyer's hand, and writes ``LIFE SUCKS'' on a piece of paper..
Jason Dean:
Life sucks! It's perfecto. I've got a meaningful marked-up Moby Dick, what else does a suicide need? Now, if you'll excuse me..
Jason Dean runs into Heather Duke's room, and closes the door..
Veronica Sawyer:
No! Open the door!
church.
Father Ripper:
Eskimo! Heather Duke underlined a lot of things in this copy of Moby Dick, but I believe the word ``Eskimo'' underlined all by itself, is the key to understanding Heathers pain. On the surface, Heather Duke was the vivacious young lady we all knew her to be, but her soul was in Antartica! Freezing with the knowledge of the way fellow teenagers can be cruel, the way that parents can be unresponsive. And as she writes so elequently in her suicide note, the way that life can suck! We'll all miss Sherwoods little eskimo. Lets just hope she's rubbing noses with Jesus!
Heather Chandler:
Is this turning out weak, or what? It was at least 70 more people at my funeral.
Veronica Sawyer:
Heather?
Heather Chandler:
God, Veronica. My afterlife is SO boring. If I have to sing Kumbaya one more time...
Veronica Sawyer:
What are you doing here?
Heather Chandler:
I made your favorite. Spaghetti. Lots of oregano. Dinner!
Veronica Sawyer wakes up.
Heather McNamara:
Veronica! Dinner!
Veronica Sawyer:
Dear Diary, last entry. No one can stop Jason Dean. Not the FBI, the CIA, or the PTA. He once told me the extreme always makes an impression. Well, now it's my turn. Lets see how this son of a bitch reacts to a suicide he didn't perform himself!
Jason Dean climbes up to Veronica Sawyer's window, and finds her hanging from the roof..
Jason Dean:
Can't believe you did it! I was teasing. I loved you! Sure, I was coming up here to kill you... First I was gonna try and get you back with my amazing petition. It's a shame you can't see what our fellow students really signed. Listen. ``We, students at Westerburg High, will die. Today. Our burning bodies will be the ultimate protest to a society that degrades us. Fuck you all!" It's not very subtle, but neither is blowing up a whole school, now is it? Talk about your suicide pacts, eh? When our school blows up tomorrow, it's gonna be the kind of thing to affect a whole generation! It'll be the Woodstock of the eighties! Damn it, Veronica! We could have toasted some marshmallows together!
the dining room.
Heather McNamara:
What does she want, a written invitation? Dinner!
Jason Dean:
Shit.
Jason Dean leaves and Heather McNamara enters, and sees Veronica Sawyer.
Heather McNamara:
Veronica! I... Oh... I should have let you take that job at the mall. It was just that... I was afraid you coming home late at night, and I...
Veronica Sawyer raises her head, and jumps down on the bed. Veronica Sawyer Hey mom! Why so tensed?
Jason Dean's room.
Big Bud Dean:
Hey pap, I need some help with my homework! Jason Dean Not right now tiger, I'm a little busy.
School.
Pauline Fleming:
Veronica! Jason Dean told me you comitted suicide last night!
Veronica Sawyer:
Where is he? Where is Jason Dean?
Pauline Fleming:
We have to talk. Whether to kill himself or not is the most important desisions a teenager can make.
Veronica Sawyer:
Get a job!
Veronica Sawyer sees Jason Dean, and hides.
Jason Dean goes to the bathroom, and pulls out a bomb.
Veronica Sawyer walks through the corridors, looking for Jason Dean.
Jason Dean puts a few bombs in the gym, and then goes down to the boiler room.
Veronica Sawyer:
Rodney, where's everybody going?
Rodney:
It's friday.
Veronica Sawyer:
Shit, another pep rally.
Rodney:
These things can get pretty artifical, but at least you get out of class.
Veronica Sawyer:
Rodney, what's underneath the gym?
Rodney:
The boiler room...
The boiler room.
Veronica Sawyer:
May I see your hall pass?
Veronica Sawyer has a gun in her hand.
Jason Dean:
I knew that loose was too noose. I mean, noose too loose. Damn you!
Veronica Sawyer:
Like father, like son. A serious-as-fuck bomb in the boiler room to set off a pack of thermals upstairs. OK. Lets start by putting the bomb down on the ground.
Jason Dean drops the bomb. I knew that! I knew that... OK, put your hands on your head.
Jason Dean:
You didn't say ``Simon says''.
Jason Dean hits Veronica Sawyer unconscious, and takes the bomb and the gun and leaves.
in the gym.
Principal Gowan:
W-E-S!
All: W-E-S!
Principal Gowan:
T-E-R!
All: T-E-R!
Principal Gowan:
B-U-R!
All: B-U-R!
Principal Gowan:
G!
All: G!
Principal Gowan:
What does it spell?
Veronica Sawyer wakes up, takes a fire extinguisher, and hits Jason Dean..
Everybody in the gym is screaming, and clapping their hands..
Veronica Sawyer and Jason Dean fight, then Jason Dean tries to kiss her..
Jason Dean runs away and Veronica Sawyer slowly follows him, the gun in her hand..
Veronica Sawyer finds him..
Jason Dean:
Do you think that just because you started this thing you can end it?
Veronica Sawyer:
I'll kill you, I'll fucking kill you, I swear to God! How do I turn off the goddamn bomb, asshole?
Jason Dean:
Fuck you!
Jason Dean gives Veronica Sawyer the finger, and she shoots it off. Shit!
Veronica Sawyer:
It's all over Jason Dean, help me stop it!
Jason Dean:
You want a clean slate as much as I do. Alright, so maybe I am killing everyone in the school, because nobody loves me! Lets face it, alright! The only place where different social types genuinly can get along with each other is in heaven.
Veronica Sawyer:
Which button do I press to turn it off? Jason Dean Try the red one, alright? Seriously, people are gonna look at the ashes of Westerburg, and say: There is a school the self destructed not because society didn't care, but because the school WAS society. Pretty deep, eh?
Veronica Sawyer:
WHICH red button?
Jason Dean:
Press the one in the middle to turn it off... if that's what you really want.
Veronica Sawyer:
Do you know what I'd love, babe?
Jason Dean:
What?
Veronica Sawyer shoots Jason Dean, and Jason Dean puts a knife in the bomb, which stops.
Veronica Sawyer:
Cool guys like you out of my life.
Veronica Sawyer comes out of the boiler room seeing all the people in the gym, and smiles.
Veronica Sawyer then leaves the school, and Jason Dean comes out soon after..
Jason Dean:
I'm impressed. You really fucked me up pretty bad, Veronica. You.. You've got power... Power I didn't think you had.
Jason Dean shows a bomb on his stomach. The slate is clean.
Jason Dean starts the bomb, and walks away. Pretend I did blow up the school. All the schools. Now that you're dead, what are you gonna do with your life?
Veronica Sawyer takes out a cigarette..
The bomb stops counting, but Jason Dean makes it start again..
The people in the gym here the bomb, and runs out..
Heather Duke:
Veronica? You look like hell!
Veronica Sawyer:
Yeah? I just got back.
Veronica Sawyer takes Heather Duke's scrunchee.
Heather Duke:
Veronica, what are you doing?
Veronica Sawyer:
Heather my love, there's a new sheriff in town.
Veronica Sawyer kisses Heather Duke on the cheek. Hey, Martha! My date for the prom kind of flaked out on me... I was wondering, if you aren't doing anything that night, maybe we could rent some new releases? Pop some popcorn?
Martha Dunstock:
I'd like that.
Veronica Sawyer:
Yeah, so would I.